Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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