theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
