i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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