Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize