she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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