We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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