your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
