Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm always down for nudity.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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