happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
