I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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