Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
