Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
