someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
