It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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