the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
