I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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