Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
