I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
