So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
