I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
