I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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