We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
