My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
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Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
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AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
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