How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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