So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
