dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
