i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
