I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
