I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I currently don't understand fingers.
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