I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
