just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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