You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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