I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
