Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
