Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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