'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
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