my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
