dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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