it wasn't lemon gatorade
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
