apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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