I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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