so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
