Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
