i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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