my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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