I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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