If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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