I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
