My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Randomize
