these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
