Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
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He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
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Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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