Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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