I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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