Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
