you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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