well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
