Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My hand turned me down
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
