Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
