That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
