i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
