I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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