It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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